Sloshed at Home: Marie Kondo Meets the Liquor Cabinet
A family in quarantine and a cocktail-crafting competition inspired by forgotten bottles in a kitchen cabinet.
After [who even knows how many] weeks of shelter-at-home, many of us are reaching our breaking point — or at least running out of ways to keep ourselves occupied and entertained. Speaking for myself, I have cleaned out my closet, “catch-all” trunk, music collection, and bookshelves. Others currently waiting out the COVID-quarantine in my household have undertaken similar projects: exploring long-forgotten contents of boxes piled in the garage, borrowing a neighbor’s VCR to watch old family videos and create digital copies, and contemplating which corner of the backyard would be the best spot for our apocalyptic food garden.
Just as we were running out of corners to “Kondo,” my dad remembered that the “liquor cabinet” above the fridge had plenty of alcohol that we hadn’t touched in years — maybe decades — gathering dust behind our commonly replenished staples (gin, burboun, tequila — you know — the essentials). After disappearing to his office sometime around lunch, Dad emerged yesterday afternoon and walked through the house, posting announcements for “Mix-a-Mania Tuesday” — a cocktail competition designed for the primary purpose of “thinning the liquor cabinet herd.”
At 5 o’clock sharp, my mom (“Mama Pam, Executive Chef of Kitchen 1218”) got started on her creation. Not to be swayed from our usual bad habits, even though our commute was only about ten feet, the rest of us walked into the kitchen about twenty minutes late. Thus, by default, Mama Pam’s concoction took the winning title before we even got started. However, by 6:00, all five of us had put the final touches on our back-of-the-liquor-cabinet recipes, and began presenting our finely crafted at-home cocktails to one another for tasting and judging.
#1 — “Badass Madras”
by DaddyO (Event Organizer)
- Vodka
- Cranberry Juice
- Orange Juice (Fresh-squeezed from the backyard tree)
As far as the proportions go, all Dad said was that he did it “by sight” and there was probably about twice as much vodka as juice in the drink.
#2 — “The Curated Corona Killer Concoction”
by Mama Pam, Executive Chef, Kitchen 1218
- Cranberry Juice (2)
- Gin (1)
- Limoncello (1)
- Elderflower Liquer (1)
“It was a coronavirus killer,” explained Mama Pam, when pouring tastes for judging. “Also, I was finished with my cocktail at 5:30, so I won by default, because everyone else was late. Please put that on my grave.”
#3 — “Mai Tai Borrow Some Toilet Paper”
by Mary, CEO, Messy? Call Mary (MCM) Ltd.
- Malibu Coconut Rum (1), salvaged from Katy’s sailboat when she closed it up for the quarantine.
- Amaretto (1), possibly from a family trip to Italy 20 years ago.
- Limoncello (1)
- Orange Juice (splash)
- Pineapple Juice (splash), from a tupperware with canned pineapple found in the back of the fridge.
- Grenadine
- MD 20/20 Key Lime Pie (likely bought in Florida on a family trip nearly 30 years ago)
Explaining the best occasion for this cocktail, Mary explained, “it calms the nerves while you’re waiting in your front yard to trade your neighbor for paper essentials.”
#4 — “Brooklyn №1 AKA Boys in the Hood”
by BigE, Creative Director, Surf at Work, Why Not? (SAW)
- Vermouth (1) From a small bottle someone tried to hide in a back corner of the cabinet to save from this amateur bartending massacre.
- Gin (1)
- Orange Juice
“I was living in Brooklyn in the 80s,” said BigE, “and I was just inspired by my life living with my boys in the hood. It was always a little hard. Rough around the edges.”
Always the skeptic, Mama Pam quipped back, “Those years under five years old will kill ya.”
#5 — “Point Conception Coffee AKA Danger Zone”
by the author, “Katy Kocktail,” apparently, a professional mixologist
Blend:
- Coffee (2 servings from the Keurig machine)
- 1 mug of milk
- Candied ginger (whatever crumbs are left at the bottom of the bag)
Pour the blended coffee over:
- Old, dark rum (a shot-ish)
- Kahlúa (a little bit less than the rum)
Top with the foam from the blended coffee for 5 small glasses of this twist on Irish coffee. Inspired by a midnight crossing of Point Conception off the coast of California in February during which I (Katy) made coffee in a rolling sea to keep crew alert during the night watch. Dark, bitter, and exhilarating.
Bonus Round
We got creative with our first round, but we still had several bottles with only a splash or two at the bottom. It was time for another round — with the goal of getting rid of as many of those nearly-empty bottles as possible.
Bonus #1 — “Carole Baskin Blitz”
by the author, “Katy Kocktail,” not really a professional mixologist, I just have my family fooled.
- Orange Juice (Florida oranges ideal; we just used our backyard tree)
- Tequila (whatever was left at the bottom of two different bottles)
- Triple Sec (also, the final dredges of an old bottle)
- Rum (the last splash from a small bottle opened years ago, I am sure)
- MD 20/20 Key Lime Pie (probably about the same amount as the Triple Sec)
Mix everything in a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour over ice in a transparent glass. Top with a splash of grenadine.
This cocktail, inspired by valiant efforts to resist binge-watching Tiger King, cleaned out five bottles from the liquor cabinet. When enjoying, one must first toast with, “Carole Baskin…that b*#@&.”
Bonus #2 — “Not Rushin’: Everything’s Closed, I Don’t Know What Day It Is”
by Mary, CEO, Messy? Call Mary (MCM) Ltd.
- Vodka (1)
- Kahlúa (1)
- Berliner Luft (peppermint schnapps) (1)
- Milk (3)
- Keebler chocolate chip cookies (from Dad’s secret pantry stash)
- Peppermint candy canes
- “A little” chocolate syrup
“Throw it all in a blender for the sugar rush your anxiety needs,” said Mary. “But don’t worry. Peppermint is calming. Hashtag #afterschoolspecial.”
At the end of the competition, after making our way through seven different kitchen-sink concoctions, we forgot to declare a winner. We debated ordering pizza, but Mama Pam pulled through and whipped up some stir-fry for dinner. She is the Executive Chef of Kitchen 1218, after all.
Now, there are about ten fewer bottles taking up space in the freshly organized cabinet above the fridge, and there’s nothing better for curing a hangover than sitting around the house staring at the walls — or maybe a walk around the block. This has been an adventure in quarantine, Kondo-ing, and cocktails. What’s in your liquor cabinet?
